The alien monkey's gender, you see, is becoming an issue. It's not an issue for the Mister and me. We have long lists of horrible names for Mervivan or Alloicious, Garbonzetta or Phaseolus and much much shorter lists of things we might actually call the kid. The Mister will teach him or her calculus as a six year old (not the algebraic part, just the concepts of instantaneous rates and areas under a curve), and our expectations of hiking, reading, attempting an instrument, learning to cook, hammer, screw, kick, throw and do laundry are generally gender neutral. The alien monkey's gender is somehow an issue for other people. Not our parents, not any of my close friends, but random people: my students, my OB nurse, the custodian . . . Apparently, for many people, it is just too weird not to want to know sex in advance, others worry that they cannot properly prepare, and others are somehow concerned that the Mister and I cannot properly prepare.
Initially I thought I would likely find out the alien monkey's sex at the big ultrasound. I just started telling people earlier that I didn't know it's gender and didn't have a preference because that was true. It was when they started asking, "When are you going to find out what it is?" or "What is it?" that my latent feminist ire started rising. I thought, "We're pretty sure it's a human, but alien monkey is a real possibility" was a fine answer, but when questioners persisted, I realized that for many, our baby is not human until it has a gender. I also read (in a book for expectant fathers) about gender desires for children that, if true, offers some frightening statistics (i.e. among married couples with children in the U.S., the divorce rate is the highest among those with only daughters and lowest among those with only sons; families with only daughters are more likely to keep reproducing . . .) and various assumptions about "what" the Mister and I were hoping for disturbed me. So we opted just not to find out until it pops** out.
One of my colleagues thought I was taking this gender thing a bit too seriously until our students and other colleagues started pestering her about how problematic it is for them that I don't know if it is a Mervivian or an Alloicious. She was really and truly baffled as to why it is any of their business but suddenly is very supportive of my not knowing or telling anyone. "It's coming in August. It will wear onesies for the early part of its life. It's not like they were going to come over and help you put up pink ruffles anyway."
If anyone out there would have started a hand embroidered dress with lots of smocking had I only told you the gender, I'm sorry. For the rest of you, well, the "nursery" will be either white with primary colors or sunny yellow (depending when I clean out our boxes of other stuff). The alien monkey will like animals, plants, space, graphic patterns, mud, different colors depending on mood once old enough to distinguish them, music some days, books some days, nobody but mom some days, everybody but mom some days, calculus some days, blocks some days and balls on some others. The alien monkey will like legos and nerf blasters. Just like a human.
*We are going to someday, which makes me feel horribly materialistic and practical at the same time.
**It's still over 3 months until the baby should emerge; let me believe it will "pop out" a while longer.
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6 comments:
Kudos to you and the mister for a wonder attitude! It is a wonderfully well written essay. I particularly like the bit about your future child's likes--all so true! Can't wait to meet the little one in a few months. Rest up!
Sounds like this alien monkey will be well taken care of. We'll love it whether it's a boy or a girl. The suspense is part of the fun!
The gender weirdness doesn't stop there. You might think that if someone sees a baby dressed in, say, a plain white onesie, and they want to admire it... they might either inquire about the gender first, or use gender-neutral comments. In actuality, they will assume that it's a boy. Not just occasionally, but about 4 of 5 times.
I was never offended by this on a personal level, but from a more conceptual viewpoint, it does bother me, in that it illustrates that our society is still biased in favor of the masculine.
Ad Astra- Thanks for stopping by. Your trip to Disneyland looked great-- actually made me think I might want to go with Merv/Alloicious someday.
PQ- I have no fears that the alien monkey will be well-loved by a fantastic (if a bit widespread) extended family. Thanks for being part of it.
Irene- White onesies= boy is new to me, but not really surprising once I think about it. Overall this is not a personal issue, but it has become so for me when I realize that many (or at least some) of my young student scientists think that preparations (including from me) should be different already.
Well, you are messing up my plans. If I knew it were a girl, I would knit it a toy tool belt. If I knew it were a boy, I would knit it a baby doll.
Stay Strong SS, stay strong.
http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2009/04/kids-and-their-adventures-plus-the-gender-wars-start-up.html
This is an interesting story from one of the blogging moms I read, that touches on gender. Helps to know that "Miss M" and "Miss R" are twins, I guess around 4 or 5 years old.
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